I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
