I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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