Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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