I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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