I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
