this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
