I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
