I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
