I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
