I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Alive.
So much puke
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
false alarm, still single
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
