I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
