whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Girls should come with a carfax report
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize