When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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