if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
