doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
