Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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