New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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