I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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