Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
