i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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