True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
