Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize