Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
