I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
