my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
