Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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