nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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