I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
