i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
