the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
