Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
