Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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