someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
