planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize