I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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