I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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