Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
