kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
