alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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