some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize