I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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