I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
