can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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