it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We are all done wearing pants today
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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