When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
