capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
