Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
