you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
