hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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