Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
