He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
