Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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