I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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