So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
