yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
