First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
