Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
