Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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